a promise to keep
by teddylupin-snape
Summary: Remus looked anywhere but at Sirius's eyes – he doubted if he'd be able to stomach the hopeless look he knew they held. It was only getting harder as the days went on. / Wolfstar, 30 October 1981. Written for bsls2 round 1


The sun set a violent orange outside Remus's kitchen window. A cup of tea was sitting cold and ignored on the table before him, but he paid it no mind. His eyes were trained on the spot just beyond the back garden fence, waiting. A clock ticked from the adjacent room, its ticking a deafening metronome in the silence.

Tearing his eyes away from the patch of dying grass, Remus looked down, noticing his hands shaking. He couldn't will them to stop. Better his hands shake than the remnants of the feeble sense of courage he'd been attempting to muster as of late.

He tried finding a way to busy himself, glancing briefly around the room. The small, dingy kitchen was covered with a fine layer of dust on all surfaces from disuse. Remus hadn't been in much of a state to do anything about it lately, and chose again to put off cleaning for one more night (There was always a part of him that hoped, though he hated the thought of it, that maybe tomorrow would never come, and that he could simply put off everything, indefinitely).

Remus focused his hands still, or still enough, snatching up the morning's paper and letting it fall onto the pile with the others, all opened to the obituary pages that he could hardly bring himself to finish reading.

A faint _pop_ sounded from outside, and Remus's hand unconsciously jumped to his wand. He weakly got to his feet and went to lean against the back wall by the door, his body still sore all over from the last full moon. He pulled back the thin window curtains, watching Sirius brush himself off and head up the garden path.

Remus looked anywhere but at Sirius's eyes – he doubted if he'd be able to stomach the hopeless look he knew they held. It was only getting harder as the days went on.

Sirius's hair was blowing wildly in the autumn wind, looking more tired that Remus had ever seen him. He took slow steps, seemingly on purpose, almost as though he was trying to put off reaching the door for as long as he could. Remus felt his heart sink just a bit, forcing himself to remember that they had broken up a while ago, that, what with the strain they were all under due to the war, Remus couldn't trust Sirius anymore – he couldn't trust anyone. Nowhere was safe, and no one was innocent, it seemed.

Just as Remus began to question their meeting again tonight, Sirius had reached the door, knocking twice and holding up a short, hastily scrawled note that read:

 _Tonight, please. –R._

He had sent the message earlier that day, right as he woke up (alone, yet again. He wondered if they'd ever get back to how things were before. Remus could only hope they would. He wasn't sure how much longer he could take being apart from Sirius. He missed the times when they viewed the very concept of separation as ridiculous). It had been an exhaustingly long day, and Remus couldn't count the number of times he'd regretted his sleepy-minded decision.

He glanced back at the note that Sirius held up as a means of identification. Remus could practically feel the desperation that radiated from the plea.

Letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding, Remus unlocked the back door, opening it slowly.

x

Minutes stretched by in uncomfortable silence. Sirius had taken his usual seat across from Remus at the kitchen table. Shared secrets and memories of intimacy and beaming grins and rambunctious, teenage laughter seemed to hover in the space between them – moments from their past, before the war, before the stress of anything other than a Potions final was weighing on them, before they had to hide and meet in secret, before they had to question whether or not they should've ever been together. They had been so young, so naïve, so _free_. Remus missed it terribly. They'd all been forced to grow up too quickly. Nothing was the same anymore.

Remus took in a breath, folding his hands together in his lap to stop them from shaking. Still fidgeting with his thumbs, he looked up slowly – eyes focusing on Sirius's shoulder – anywhere but his eyes. "I—um…" As his sentence trailed off, his eyes did too, coming back up to lock with Sirius's as he continued his thought. "I need you to promise me something." At a raised eyebrow and slight nod from Sirius, he added, "Promise me that, whatever happens from here on out, you'll never regret… _us_. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but tonight, I just need you to promise me that no matter what comes next, our past is still our past. I still loved you – still do love you."

Sirius swallowed hard and nodded, unable to say anything. Remus was surprised that he found the words in the first place. They resumed their silence for a few moments, lost in memories of a happier time.

x

Hours had passed, and the two of them were lying on Remus's bed. Sirius wrapped an arm around Remus's waist and hugged him tighter. His hand found Remus's, their fingers interlocking more out of habit than anything.

At this point, Sirius was trying to keep his composure. It had been a long week made up of long days, and though that was draining, he feared that soon, there would come a day that would be far too short. The very thought overwhelmed him.

"I just—I don't understand," Sirius mumbled into the silence, his voice shaking with his unshed tears. "I don't understand what's happening anymore, Rem. Everything's moving too fast and—" He took a deep breath to steady himself, his shoulders shaking on the exhale. "I'm scared. And I hate this. All the distrust. I _love you_ , Rem."

Remus rolled over to face Sirius, looking steadily into his eyes, his face set in an expression of surety that it hadn't shown in months. "I love you. It's all going to turn out alright. Not perfect, not ideal, but we'll get through it. I promise."

x

 **A/N: For the Big/Lil Sis Team Prompt Competition (Round 1: Prompts – 'I don't understand,' a promise, and dusk). Paula (Exceeds Expectations) is my big sis and wrote a fic that follows this one, so go check that out!**


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